You know, when it comes to my mother, well, I’m clearly blind. I have given so many chances, but she always lets me down somehow.
I hadn’t seen or spoken to her in months, so 4 weekends ago we made plans for me to go down and just spend time with her. I was there for 2 nights, and we had a blast. We laughed so hard and just spent time together and I loved every minute of it. So I decided I would go out again but this time for longer. 1 night is now my limit. No need to chance it. I will never chance it again. I can not chance it again.
2 weekends ago I went for 4 nights. On the fourth night, she got loaded and started telling me awful stories about how I used to be when I was younger. The worse part? The stories were fabricated. But I still fell asleep crying, and being sick to my stomach twice throughout the night.
When I was around 7 I threatened my sister with a steak knife because she was being a terror and telling me awful hings about how no wonder our parents didn’t like me, so I told her I wish I could stab her with this knife. She continued to poke me so I chased her around the kitchen table. I did it because I had seen it on tv. And apparently I am not the only child who has done something ridiculously stupid like that.
Anyways, my mom changed the story to be doing that to everyone in my family other than my then step father “because I was afraid of him”. She said that her, my brother and sister had voted early on that they would rather keep me then put me in an institution, so I became my families dirty little secret. She said this happened when I was 6. So already the time line doesn’t add up. And who would ask that of a 4 almost 5 year old and an 8 year old. How could you expect them to make a decision like that? Why would you ask that of your children? She then told me that I had strangled her and she almost died when I was 7. My mother is not small, she has always been a normal size, but I was very very tiny as a child up until I started gaining weight when I was 22, so how in the world could a 7 year old who was always way underweight be able to overpower a woman of her size? And my hands have always been tiny. Little sausage fingers that I still have today. She then said that she didn’t have any proof other then my doctor’s notes, but all of the ones where they had told her that there was nothing wrong with me and that all these appointments were taking their toll on me were gone. I think I’m going to have to email the one doctor that I remember to see if I can see the files.
She then said that this was the reason my siblings didn’t like me. That my sister never wanted to do anything with me, still doesn’t. She said that I outed my brother in high school too. So I texted both my siblings asking for their insight and if any of this was true. My brother is the most honest person you will ever meet, and he is brutally honest so I take his word for what it is. My sister is never anywhere in sight. Brother told me that I did out him, but it was not on purpose. He said he and I were fighting because we did not get along when we were younger, and I screamed out “you’re so gay” at school one day. He said that he never took it seriously because at that point in time, he hadn’t even come to terms with it himself so he thought nothing of it. The rest he said was bullshit and that none of it happened. He said that everyone goes through a weird knife faze and he said he had even done it to me so it was possible that that was where I had seen it. But he said other than that, nothing other than me being angry occurred.
So back to the present. I couldn’t sleep last night, and I decided out of nowhere that I wanted to throw my sister a surprise dirty 30 birthday party. I spent hours looking up venue ideas and pricing and photo booths and activities. Her birthday is in April so I had tons of time to make things up. I decided that I was going to ask our aunt and uncle to be part of it by saying that they were going to have a wedding anniversary and ask my sister to talk at it so she had to be present. I decided that I would charge all her friends around 30 dollars to pay for all the food and activities and booze, and hat I would find a way online so they would pay it when they rsvped so I wouldn’t get screwed over like the last time I set up a party. So I decided to call my mom today and just tell her about it… You see where I’m going with this? lol
My mom told me that she thought it was a bad idea. Her first response: “Well what are you going to do since you and her boyfriend don’t get along?”. “Maybe he has something planned for her birthday so it sounds iffy to me”. They’ve been dating for less than 2 years. And then she says that he is taking a job in Seattle and that she thinks my sister will be going with him.
I fucking hate these people. I just want to find a new place and start new. Fresh faces where people don’t think of their daughter’s boyfriend first instead of their other daughter. I want truths, I want love.
I’m done with this shit.